So, you want to come out as Transgender, this is not a step to take lightly, and you don’t need me to tell you this. You’ve probably been running through the scenarios in your head for a while, and you are probably a bit scared by it. It’s not easy, don’t believe anyone that tells you otherwise, there are likely to be tears, yours and theirs. But done in the right way you can achieve a positive outcome, one that makes you feel good about yourself, your family, and your friends.
Everyone’s circumstances are different, some of us would need to consider telling parents and grand-parents, my circumstances were that I didn’t have parents and grand-parents, all too sadly they had been taken from me earlier in my life. The situations, while at first look are different; they can all be handled with the same reasoning. It doesn’t matter if its friends, family or work colleagues, with a bit of planning and some reasoned expectation, for the possible outcome, you can handle it.
I thought long and hard about it myself, for me the alternative to coming out was grim, and sadly a route that some trans people actually take, suicide. I just could not see how I could continue living as I was, with all the mental conflict going on, making me increasingly ill. I told my closest of friends and my children, and that went really well, such a relief, but I had to tell my sisters, and that scared the you know what out of me. Not because they are scary, but I just didn’t know how they would react. The truth is they reacted very well, very supportive, and while sad to have lost the brother that had been in their lives for such a long time, they welcomed the thought of getting to know the sister that had just popped into their lives.
As I said earlier on, not all our experiences are going to be the same, and there isn’t a script for you to follow. So, with that in mind I put together a few ideas for you to think about, things that may get you better prepared, and things that may help you improve the chances of a positive outcome.
You are going to ask yourself “why?" a lot.
"Why am I like this?" has probably been buzzing in and around your head for a good while. Don’t go around beating yourself up about it, you are the way you are, and that isn’t going to change anytime soon.
You might even have thoughts about why you have to tell anyone at all when you can just stay as you are, keep the status-quo. But that just a circular process that you are jumping on to, and it’s just coming back to this point.
The first person you'll come out to is yourself, and that’s when you’ll find the answer to “why?”
Come to terms with yourself, your gender, the pronouns you want to use, your new name. What, not got a new name? It doesn’t matter, you’ll find your name, and it’s not going to stop you moving forward.
Love yourself; you have more than likely done a lot of self-loathing on your journey; now is the time to stop that. Learn to love yourself, the new you, if you don’t love yourself how can you reasonably expect anyone else to.
You'll feel frightened
Coming out as transgender is not an easy ride. You will be wondering if you’re going to lose out in relationships, what’s going to happen at work, school or college, and everything else in between.
It's perfectly natural to feel scared by this step you are taking. You're not only putting yourself on the line, but the line is way, way, way, out there. It's a vulnerable feeling that puts you firmly in the middle of a crossroads, and you will feel like everything in your life is hinging on the outcome, ‘the’ pivotal moment in your life.
Don't worry; that first step is a massive one, but you will never feel more like ‘you’ than after you take it.
Feel the fear, and do it anyway!
Everyone you tell will react in a different way.
This is the nature of people, and don’t forget that these people are closer to you than anyone else in the whole world. They already love you. Some of them will practically explode with support, while others will consider severing all ties with you. It's sad, but true. It happens sometimes, and it's something you need to be aware of. Rejection can come from people you wouldn't expect it to come from. A friend of mine; a biker friend of well over a decade took me by surprise. I felt really comfortable telling him, we had one of those relationships where we talked about all sorts of stuff. Initially he was fine, then he started questioning my clothes, “people are looking at us”, then he eventually told me “I don’t know who you are”. The truth is you will be the same person, after you come out, as you were before. Their perception of you might change, but don’t let this get you down, it’s their perception of you that’s changed, not you. Sadly I had to let my friend go, there was no room in my life for someone whom I had come to realise was terrified of being in my life.
Some people will not like the idea of you changing gender, losing a son or brother, losing a daughter or sister. It’s hard for them to adjust, they haven’t stopped loving you, just give them time and space, they’ll come around eventually, and in time your relationship will enter a new ‘normal’.
Just know this, “those who matter don’t mind, that those who mind don't matter.”
You'll feel relieved
No matter how it goes, you will feel good about it, that load that you have been carrying round on your back all these years will be lighter afterwards, and every time you come out to someone the load will get lighter.
I remember saying to a couple of friends, after I told them about me; Christene, “people say that’s it’s like a huge weight being lifted off your shoulders”. It is, you don’t realise how big a burden it’s been all this time, and at first the sense of relief can be quite euphoric, and long lasting, that weight gets lighter all the time.
Things can change quickly
Before coming out, there will be a lot of things that are on hold, and out of your control. If your ultimate goal is to transition physically, then just be aware that that is a long process that involves specialist services, and you can't begin the process until you start talking to people, primarily your GP. You are going to need a referral from your GP to one of the Gender Identity Clinics (GIC’s) that are up and down the country, and don’t lose sight of the fact that its going to take years to get to surgery, transition is not a fast process.
But some things can change quickly, even something as seemingly simple, because it is simple, as changing your name can make a massive impact on your social wellbeing. Your social transition is something that you can do with very little help from anyone else. Changing your name is easy, you just need a deed poll. Check out the document links above, for information on getting a deed poll.
Once you have your deed poll, its full steam ahead for your social transition. You are going to need a new photo for your photo ID papers, then, you can get a new passport, but you will need to include a letter from your GP to change the gender marker.
Changing your driving license is straight forward, and its free! Just fill out the application, specify your new names, include a copy of your deed poll, send it off. Your new license will be returned, with your deed poll.
Banks are easy … just call into your local branch, tell them you want to change your name, show them your deed poll, you shouldn’t need any other ID.
There’s another document in the links that should give you some ideas for people and organisations that you need to tell your new name.
You might face stigma
In recent years, there's been a new start of acceptance, particularly for trans people. But that isn't to say that everything in the garden is Rosy, there's still a long way to go.
You might get some funny looks, some hurtful comments, sticks and stones, etc. This can be incredibly hard to deal with when you are already going through so much internally. I find the best way to manage these types of actions is to just let it go, easier said than done, I know, but at the end of the day, its them that have the problem, not you. The looks, and sideways glances, aren’t going to harm you, and I’m sure it’s something we all do; I do love a spot of people watching while I’m having a coffee, but some of the comments people make can live with you for a while, if you let them. Just try to let them go.
You can try to educate people, you can try to ignore them, just don't forget that hate will never beat hate. So have a strong heart, keep your faith in humanity, and be true to YOURSELF.
Loads of people want to help you
So, even if you do face some negativity, there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people out there that are on your side. For a start, there's your local GP/medical professional, who can help you with more than just guidance through your physical transition (if that's what you choose to do), there is your local Trans support group, who can help you with the social aspects of your transition, and you are sure to find a new group of friends there, have a search on the internet.
Then there is social media. I’m not suggesting that you put yourself on line and tell the world all about you, that sort of exposure is not for everyone, but there are lots of support groups on Facebook, and the NHS have an affiliation with a site called HealthUnlocked, that not only has a small, but growing, Gender Identity community, but there are hundreds of other communities with help and support for almost everything.
Whole communities of people have been where you are. Online or in the real world, there are people ready and willing to help, even if it's just chatting on the Internet. You'll establish lots of new relationships as you take the next steps in your journey.
